A few times of year I sit down and write a post that makes me uncomfortable. In the past I’ve talked about surviving divorce and about how I never wanted to be a mom. Sharing in that way is always liberating, but also really frightening, which I guess is a good segue for admitting that writing this post scares me. Today I am writing a post called, “The Very Real Reason I Don’t Share Photos of Myself Online” and I’m opening that post with a photo of myself. In a word, I am terrified. Over the last nearly ten years I’ve built a brand and a business online, and I’ve done so in a way that puts nearly all of the focus on the work I’m doing and the things I’m creating, and very intentionally not on myself. As much as I cherish my relationships with my readers, I’ve also been completely freaked out by the idea of making myself and my face the center of attention in any way shape or form. And the reason is simple. I don’t look like a lot of bloggers do. I am not perfectly thin, and petite and cute, and no clothing brands are going to want to send me their fall collection to feature on my Instagram feed. Ten years ago I lost over 100 pounds and after maintaining it for a few years, I’ve gained much of that weight back. I judge myself every single day for that and I think that part of me is always afraid that you’ll judge me for that, too. I don’t share photos of myself online, because I’m not skinny. And even though I truly, authentically love who I am on the inside, I can’t get past the fact that for me, the two images of who I am (the one I see in my head and the one everyone else sees) simply do not align.
This post is not a post about weight loss. I have every intention in the world of getting back to the weight and size that made me feel most alive and most joyful. I hope someday I get there. I don’t intend to ever stop trying. But in the meantime, this post is about getting real. I read endless articles about body empowerment and self acceptance, about loving ourselves and feeling worthy. I would spew endless rhetoric about the same to any of you if you were down on yourself about your weight. You are beautiful, you are loved, you are valued, you are you. And I would believe every single word. The problem is, I don’t actually feel a lot of those things for myself, and for whatever reason I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I should share that truth with you. There are few things in life I’m as passionate about as my career, and over the last couple of years I’ve come to the mounting realization that I am holding myself back professionally because I am too afraid to flip around to the other side of the camera. Because I’m afraid people will realize I’m not thin and they’ll judge me or think differently of me and so I stay hidden away. On so many levels, I am confident and secure. At times I’m even outright proud of the work I produce, the content I create and the business I’ve built from the ground up. I also know that I’m a kick ass mom, spouse, sister, daughter, cousin and friend. Like, really really kick ass. But somehow, I still don’t feel quite as worthy as everyone else around me, because I don’t feel cute. And that might just be the saddest thing I’ve ever admitted to myself, let alone to the internet at large. The reality, though, is that in my industry, most of the bloggers you see are attractive. Like, really really attractive. And because many of them are actually my friends, I can tell you that they’re also really wonderful, caring people in real life, too. So, being me? Living in this body? It feels so incredibly isolating.
I imagine this is the part of this post where I should confess that I am crying as I type these words. I’m not even quite sure why. Probably in part because of fear, but also largely in relief. For too long I’ve held myself back from the things I’ve really wanted in life, both personally and professionally, because I have this huge mental and emotional block surrounding my weight. I think the tipping point for me was last week, when a giant film crew spent two days at my house and I realized I wasn’t even sure I was going to be able to look at the photos or watch the videos we spent countless hours creating, because I didn’t think I’d be able to bear to look at myself. Even knowing how thrilled the client was with my work and that they were ecstatic with what I was doing on screen, I still felt like a complete and total fraud. Because I don’t look the part. And that breaks my heart. No one should feel that way, especially on a day when they hit a grand slam in every sense professionally, and I hate that I do.
I am not sure how all of this plays out, but somehow the last couple of weeks have changed my outlook on life a little bit. It has made me determined to put myself out there, no matter how scary it is. To not limit myself before I even try to achieve something because I’m already pre-judging myself based on how I look. It would kill me if my daughter ever judged herself the way that I judge myself every single day, and I want to be a strong and confident role model for her so that she feels empowered to grow into the kick ass little girl and woman I already fully know she is going to be. So in part, I had to write this post as a way of drawing a line in the sand. There was before. And now there is now. The now where I am going to try really hard to sort through all of my complicated emotions on all of these things and actually grow to believe that I am worthy, no matter what size the tag says in my jeans. And if nothing else, I hope perhaps this post will resonate with even one person who feels the same way I do. I hope it brings some realness to all of the picture perfect photos and Instagram Stories and carefully edited videos we watch every day. I hope it reminds you that we only have this one precious life and we can’t stop living it, because we’re afraid we don’t live up to the internet’s standards of beauty and perfection. I promise that from now on, I am fighting every day to live my truth, right out loud and in the open, and I hope you promise yourself the same.
[Photos by Alice G. Patterson.]
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I’m just now reading this (linked from the 17 Favs. from 2017 post). Thank you SO MUCH for opening up; it makes me feel less alone. Like many, I follow design and lifestyle blogs for inspiration. However, I allow myself to feel less than, unworthy, when the inevitable mental comparisons begin. How does so-and-so eat that and yet maintain a size 2,? How do all these women get that perfect blogger-mermaid hair? The internal monologue of abuse is never-ending.
Last summer, Better Homes did a three-day photo shoot of our home and family. They warned us it takes a long time between initial contact to publication, yet since we haven’t heard from them since the shoot, my mind keeps going to that place of “it’s because I’m fat; I’m not pretty enough and the editors ran screaming away.” Access to the internet and social media has helped give me the tools to create. Unfortunately, it has also amplified that critical inner-voice of self-doubt.
For what it’s worth, I think you’re super awesome. :) And I love the earnestness in this post.
Julie, thank you so much! Your words and support mean so much, truly. I can’t wait to see your BHG spread!!! I seriously dream of our family being featured, so I can only imagine how exciting that process was. But yeah. For sure I’d be having HUGE anxieties worrying about how I looked and if they were going to reject me or whatever. The thing is, I would NEVER even think they’d do that to someone else nor would it EVER dawn on me to think anything other than, “look at this beautiful family!” if I saw someone else featured. So WHY WHY WHY do we do it to ourselves, when we sincerely don’t look at or judge other people that way because of their weight? It makes no sense and that’s the greatest frustration. Our standards for ourselves and our lives should have the same love and grace we hold for other people. Also, your Instagram feed/family/home/face are all stunning! I kind of want you to adopt me, if that’s ok? Sending huge hugs! I’ll be keeping an eye open for that spread! XOXO
Keep being authentic … people will see the beauty of the inside you & keep blogging bc we all need more real in our lives!
Thank you so much, Laurie! That means so much to me. xoxo
I stumbled upon this article the same day I asked my son to remove my photo from a group of Facebook pictures of our new grandbaby. I cried too. It’s hard when how you actually look doesn’t match how you feel.
Oh Mary, I am so sorry to hear you feel this way, too. Sending you huge huge hugs and I’m glad you found this post! If nothing else I am amazed and inspired by how many of us feel this same way and I am planning more posts to explore this more. It’s time we free ourselves from feeling so crappy!
Oh Cyd! I amble by your lovely blog periodically and am so glad I did today to see your 8/14 post and this one. You were crying as you wrote this post, and I was crying as I read it. Your vulnerability in expressing what I and so many others feel is a great gift you have bestowed. Putting words to your deep hurt lets others know that they are not alone. I am so very confident in many ways, but I haven’t had (allowed) pictures to be taken of myself for years due to the shame I feel about my weight. I don’t blog, but do Instagram, and just Sunday I posted the first-ever picture that included me….. only because I was thrilled to have finally gone to a store I had long wanted to visit (French General in LA) and met the wonderful proprietess, blogger, author Kaari Meng and wanted to get a photo with her. It felt kinda good to get over myself and put a picture of me “out there.” You do encourage others telling them how beautiful, wonderful etc they are, and you deserve the same talk. PLUS, IT IS TRUE. You may be a bit heavy, but I believe that you are visually beautiful. The love, creativity, and joy that you express via this blog shines through. Thank you, thank you for this post. It did me good.
i have read through this post3 times. i am crying so hard i can hardly see the key board. i know these feelings, i know this pain. i have felt it for 53 years. when i was young my father worked construction so we moved alot. so i was always the new kid,the fat kid, and the 4 eye. so yes i know those tears too. my weight is the reason i never started a blog. i see those same girls your talking about i know how they make you feel. but one great thing about getting old is you start to not give a shit. you will look back one day and wonder why you ever cared what other people thought. it was such a waste of time and energy, while you were obsessing, they went on, happily, with their lives. so i say to you stop, stop now. it is so very obvious that you are smart and talented, don’t waste anymore of your precious time on this. and btw i think you are very cute. if you ever need a bit of encouragement or validation you are always welcome to contact me, brave girl
Cyd, I completely understand your feeling, but your smile is so so amazing and there is so much love and peace in your eyes that is almost impossible believe you’re thinking like that!! You rock, girl, and you sure is and always will be a huge exemple of human being to your little girl and to those who admire your work and inteligence. XoXos from Brazil to you!!
Oh Juliana, thank you from the bottom of my heart! You are too too sweet and I appreciate your love and support so much!
Cyd, As another sturdy girl, I just wanted to put my two cents in with your other supporters. I know haters are gonna hate but it’s so damn infuriating/disappointing/soulcrushing when we do it to ourselves- and clearly SOOOOO many of us do. I hope all of the comments you have gotten have let you know how NOT alone you are. And if it makes you feel good to know, I rather like knowing that there is someone out there with such great content, insights, and commonalities who is perfect and honest and strong without being our effed-up society’s vision of “perfect”. Thank you for sharing this post, sweet girl~ If it makes you have a happy spot in your day, a stranger is proud of you! :)
It breaks my heart you feel this way, when I met you in NYC I remember thinking how beautiful and talented you are. You’re one of the bravest women I know for baring your feelings like this! Be proud of how intelligent, beautiful, vulnerable and strong you are.
Monica – THANK YOU!!! To the ends of the earth and back. It’s not a happy way to feel, but I do have to say that it’s not as though I sit around miserable all day. I have a really really good, really full, really happy life, I just know this is an area where I’m holding myself back and I’d like to change that. Stay tune! ;-) XOXOXOXO
This is the quote that hit me the most: “And even though I truly, authentically love who I am on the inside, I can’t get past the fact that for me, the two images of who I am (the one I see in my head and the one everyone else sees) simply do not align.”
I feel this every day. Inside me is a sexy, fun, hottie. Outside, I’m a fat 45 year old that looks frumpy for a whole lot of reasons; health issues, not enough money to buy cute clothes (if they even existed in my size), and on and on and on.
I’m scared to share myself visually on my blog as well. If my makeup doesn’t look perfect 1 day then why would people want to buy it from me? I feel like I’ll be judged.
You commented that why do people think only perfectly pretty skinny girls are worthy or talented or capable of adding value? I feel the same way about education. Why does a degree mean I can get a better job when I can outrun the people that have them with experience?
Isn’t that the craziest thing, Karen?! That we can see ourselves so differently and value ourselves so completely, but then become completely shut down by what we perceive others to see on the outside. It’s such a struggle and I’m so sorry it’s one you feel as well. I am so glad this post could resonate with you and make you feel less alone! I know I feel lifted up by all of the amazing women commenting on this post and I’m glad we’re in this together! XOXOXO
Honestly, the first thing I thought when I started reading this post was how beautiful you looked! But I get it. I am the worst when it comes to judging my own appearance, to the point where I am embarrassed to ask someone to take my blog bio pics because they will see how awful I look in photos. And then I’ll have to look through them and then feel awful about myself… we are own own worst critics.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you keep posting photos and gain some well deserved confidence. xx
I just happened to come across this and am so glad I did. Thank you for speaking the words I haven’t been able to find. I often struggle with putting my thoughts into words and love when I can find someone else who does it so well. I never FEEL like I’m enough; I KNOW that I am, but I hope one day I can feel it. I struggle with my weight and making my outside match who I feel I am on the inside. It’s comforting to know I’m not alone. So, Thank You! for putting yourself out there, for being vunerable, for facing your fear.
Thank you for sharing something so deeply personal! I know it speaks to each one of us on some level. Can I just say that you are truly one of the most beautiful people that I am lucky enough to call my friend (you really feel more like family!) Not only are you stylish with yourself (clothes,hair & makeup) but your sense of style spreads throughout your home, your work, your life! I really hope that you do continue to put yourself in front of the camera more. I hope you share that amazing,unique & lovely part of you with the world & your fans!!! It makes me sad to think of any one of our daughters struggling with their self confidence because of the Worlds misconception of perfect, tiny, carbon copy, unoriginal beauty! However, in reality, it is probably something they will each have to face at one time or another. What we CAN do is continue to provide them with REAL, original, & natural role models, (like You!) remind them of the huge difference between cyberworld & real world. We can continue to show them that their dreams ARE attainable with hard work, dedication, perseverance & a little help from family & friends.
I apologize if I rambled, but this topic got me fired up!! Thanks again for being brave enough to share this! You are such a positive inspiration for us all! Much love & gratitude, L.A. ???
As a fellow blogger, I’ve been following your blog for years and years, and I’ve always just adored you. Today’s post reminded me why. You’re genuine and authentic and stellar at what you do. I too am totally guilty of hiding from the camera, and as a mom, that hurts me on a whole new level, because I would never want my daughter to be so critical of herself the way I so often am of myself. Proud of you. Love this post.
Lexi – THANK YOU! All caps required. I am so grateful for you love and support. Isn’t it crazy as a mom when you think about our daughters thinking these same thoughts or treating themselves the way we do? It’s awful and it’s painful and it really makes me feel like the dialogue has got to change so maybe the next generation of little girls learns to give themselves a little peace. XOXOXO
Cyd! THANK YOU.
Honestly – I have a really hard time putting myself out in the world as the face of my business for a lot of the same personal struggles. It’s so lonely to face that on your own and now seeing your courage, strength and reading your words makes me want to try a little harder for myself as well. It can be so hard to put yourself in the spotlight, but your work is amazing and you 200% deserve to glow in that spotlight. Thank you for being someone that is pushing past your fears and trying to put yourself out there more. It’s encouraging for all us smaller bloggers and businesses – especially me!
Jennifer, thank YOU so much! Your words means so much and I am just truly humbled that this post has been to resonate so far and so wide with so many people. I think we all owe it to ourselves to love ourselves a little better and to get out there in the spotlight of our own lives more. We deserve it! Sending you huge huge hugs and lots of love! XOXOXO
I think the most amazing part of this blogging community is that you can put yourself out there and be so open, honest and real and be met with so much support and love. Because we all LOVE you, for you and for your work!! I really look forward to seeing more of you here, Cyd!! Thank you for putting it all out there and sharing what I know wasn’t easy!
Love you to bits, Kel! Thank you so so much. For sure the reason I fell in love with blogging was because of the community and the love that gets passed around every day. I am so grateful to have such amazing friends on this journey with me. XOXOXO
I really appreciate how open and honest you were in this post, Cyd. Sharing your feelings with the world is not easy and you nailed it. And I hope you’ll continue to share yourself here.
Thanks so much, B! It definitely took me outside my comfort zone for sure, but sometimes those are my favorite posts to write. I appreciate the love!!!
This touched my heart Cyd! Thank you for sharing your truth. I admire your courage and just wanted to know that you’re an inspiration to me and many. Beautiful you, beautiful post! xx
Thank you so so so much, Brandi! I can’t say it enough. I am so overwhelmed with the outpouring of love and support and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your sweet words. XOXO
Cyd, you’re so brave to put all of your feelings and emotions out there and I know you’ve inspired many to do the same. It’s funny because no matter what size you are, even the skinniest of us all, have some of the same insecurities… weird to think right? I think this is great and I’m proud of you for starting to put yourself in the sweetest occasion and show you more. I’ve been a fan for literally 8 years and I love everything you do. I would like to see you more and I think everyone else would too. PS, I’m really looking forward to this party and can’t wait to see all of the details!!!
Eden, there likely isn’t an adequate way to express what your words mean to me. I feel humbled, first and foremost, that you’ve continued to be such a supporter of this crazy little blog of mine for so many years. I am deeply grateful, secondly, to call you a friend and a colleague and one I admire so very much. I am always in awe with how your personality shines through in everything you do and that’s definitely something I’d love to feel brave enough to do more often. When I think of Sugar & Charm, it’s so intertwined with you and your smile and your laugh that I can’t even separate the two. I think I’d like to readers to feel that connection with The Sweetest Occasion, too. Thank you thank you thank you, for your friendship and your heart. I could not thank you enough.